Funny Fathers Day Quotes

Sayings To Make Him Laugh

These funny Fathers Day quotes are for making funny Fathers Day cards, of course! Put the finishing touch on your free, printable Fathers Day cards this year with hilarious quotes from the famous and not so famous.

  • Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. - Red Buttons
  • The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get. - Tim Russert
  • It is a wise child that knows his own father. - Homer Simpson
  • When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. - Mark Twain
  • A father carries pictures where his money used to be. - Anonymous
  • By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong. - Charles Wadsworth
  • Becoming a father is easy enough, but being one can be very rough. - Wilhelm Busch
  • A man knows when he is growing old because he begins to look like his father. -Gabriel Garcia Márquez
  • My father was often angry when I was most like him. - Lillian Hellman
  • My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic. - Spike Milligan
  • A father is a banker provided by nature. - French Proverb
  • When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you." - Jerry Lewis
  • The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf. - Bertrand Russell
  • There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. - Jerry Seinfeld
  • Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn't teach me everything he knows. - Al Unser, Jr.
  • Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow. - Reed Markham, Ph.D.
  • Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. - John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester
  • The father is always a Republican toward his son, and his mother's always a Democrat. - Robert Frost

And of course, you can fill an entire section of funny Fathers Day quotes with observations from one of the funniest dads of all time, Bill Cosby. Your Fathers Day cards will be all the better with one of his gems scribbled inside. With a few strokes of a pen, you can easily turn our printable Fathers Day cards into funny Fathers Day cards.

  • If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right. - Bill Cosby
  • Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. - Bill Cosby
  • Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit. - Bill Cosby
  • Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. - Bill Cosby
  • Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet. - Bill Cosby
  • I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time. - Bill Cosby
  • Always end your child's name with a vowel, so when you yell the name will carry. - Bill Cosby
  • Some of the greatest lies ever told by your children: "I forgot," "I'll pay you back later," and "It was like that when I found it." - Bill Cosby
  • Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much. - Bill Cosby
  • I brought you into this world and I'll take you out! - Bill Cosby
  • My father only hit me once—but he used a Volvo. - Bill Cosby
  • My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ! - Bill Cosby

So, if any of these funny Fathers Day quotes ticked your funny bone, be a love and share, share, share!

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