Funny New Years Resolutions

Promises That Lighten Life's Load

Need a quick chuckle? Funny New Years resolutions are sure to make you smile, if not outright guffaw. Even the regular top New Years resolutions can make you grin as you recognize your own previous futile efforts at self-improvement.

At any rate, since laughter has been clinically proven to be good for your health, here's to a healthy and happy New Year!

partially eaten chocolate candy bar

  • I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly.
  • I will think of a password other than "password" or "hello."
  • I will not bore my boss with the same excuse for taking off from work. I will think of some more excuses.
  • I will try to figure out why I really need nine email addresses.
  • I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
  • I will read the manual...just as soon as I can find it.
  • I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
  • I will always "check for paper" when leaving the restroom.
  • I will always wear clean underwear, "just in case."
  • I will drink more. Wasn't it Benjamin Franklin who said beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. So be happy.
  • I will eat more nice things like candy, Big Macs, popcorn, and ice cream. Eat less crap like fresh fruit, vegetables, and soy nuts.
  • I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
  • I will gain weight, at least 40 pounds. Didn't your mom always say you were a bit skinny.
  • I will stop saying "Ooh, that feels nice" whenever the security guys frisk me at airports.
  • 25 mph speed limit sign

  • I will try to drive closer to the speed limit.
  • I will drive more carefully. People are starting to notice the dozens of dents in my car.
  • I will keep an extra safe distance when driving behind police cars.

Return from Funny New Years Resolutions
to New Years Eve Party Ideas

list of holidays in the fall

Try these spooky drinks
for a boo-tiful party!

black martini
witch's brew

Crunchy party snacks,
yummy party fare!

chestnuts & pals
pumpkin seeds